When The Positivity Well Runs Dry

WORDS: Corrine Barraclough PHOTOGRAPHY Corrine Barraclough plus supplied

CB’s BC Journal

As anyone who has been following my breast cancer journey will know, I’ve been trying so hard to remain positive.

This week, I’ve struggled.

I have six more chemo Fridays to go.

It feels never ending.

I said last week that I’m over it – now I really mean it!

I’ve had headaches, my skin hurts, I’ve been constantly tired, short of breath, and my ears have been ringing.

Then… I was walking my little dog and trod on a stick. It snapped and jabbed into my foot. In normal, every day life this wouldn’t be something you’d spend more than half a second thinking about.

Mid way through chemo? It’s turned into a f**king pain in the arse and a week long fiasco.

It bled and bled. It hurt so much that night I had to sleep with it hanging out of the side of the bed and take a painkiller. It was agony in the shower, it swelled up and I’ve spent days not being able to walk properly.

It feels like a real scream from my body to say, “ENOUGH! WTAF are you doing?”

One of the few things that keeps me sane (and sober) is long walks with my beautiful little doggo.

Look how happy my little rescue doggo, Baylee is!

I can’t tell you how much it’s impacted me not being able to put a pair of trainers on and get out into the fresh air for a long walk.

I’ve been stuck at home, hobbling around, and the self-pity is breeding like a foul germ… or a rabbit, whichever would breed fastest.

I made myself write a gratitude list, because when I start drifting into self-pity I find it’s the very best way to flick a switch and change my shabby attitude.

My gratitude list ended up being incredibly long and included the fact that direct flights are on their way from the Gold Coast to Bali. Yes, it’s random. And yes, they don’t start until next year but still, how cool is it that we’ll be able to park at Coolangatta, jump on a plane and get off in Bali?! I may well book myself onto the very first available flight and do an Eat, Pray, Love extended trip.

The fact that I’m going through this challenging time sober is always at the top of my gratitude list. I am so utterly and thoroughly thankful that I’m not in a chaotic pickle, attempting to drink my way through this journey.

It might be tough but I’m facing it head on.

It might be painful at times (especially thanks to random jagged sticks on the footpath) but I’m feeling all the feels, crying all the necessary tears, and digging deep to find inner strength and resilience I didn’t know existed.

There is always, always, always something to be grateful for – and on the toughest days I may just need to write them down to see them before my own eyes in black and white!

Hanging in there – see you next week!

Corrine x

Corrine was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer, which has spread to her lymph nodes. Her medical oncologists are pursuing a “cure”, which will begin with a six-month course of chemotherapy at Gold Coast University Hospital, followed by surgery at Robina Hospital and then likely further treatment. Corrine will be writing a weekly blog journaling her personal journey for Ocean Road Magazinethroughout her breast cancer.