Is there life after cheating?

The answer is yes…with qualification

Why do we cheat? There is no clearly defined reason why people cheat. People in the happiest relationships cheat. Some cheat for a need for attention, some cheat because they need the constant dopamine feeling when in lust, some cheat under the influence of drugs or alcohol, some cheat on a one-night stand, some cheat because they can, some cheat craving intimacy, and some cheat when their partners are pregnant.

Research has shown that in 80% of relationships, one person cheats! Don’t be alarmed, because if you play with statistics, it also means that in 80% of relationships, one partner doesn’t cheat.

Recent research has found that 75% of males and 68% of women admitted to cheating. I dispute that, as I have found many women will not confess to cheating, not even to their therapists. I believe just as many women cheat as men, but being more devious, they get away with it more. Also, recent surveys are stating more women are cheating today than in past years.

I watched the documentary on the demise of Ashley Madison, the site that encouraged married people to have sex and cheat on their partners… supposedly conspicuously and without fear of ever being exposed. This worked until the site was hacked, and 35 million names and data were released; it had the most devastating effect on people’s lives. Some suicided, the founder and CEO was fired and yet the publicity was the best thing to happen for Ashley Madison where it made millions of people aware of its existence and has led to the company now amassing over 80 million subscribers around the world today!

What does this say about long-term monogamous relationships? Are people cheating more today than in past relationships? No one can answer that question, because we are living longer than our ancestors in the past. In the 1800s and early 1900s, most males died in their 40’s. Subsequently, relationships did not last as long as relationships today. Wars also got in the way of longevity in relationships. Today, it is difficult to cheat without getting exposed, so the statistics may be higher.

However, this article is not meant to depress you because surveys have found that ideally most people, 55%, state they would like a monogamous relationship. The same survey found that 35% did not want total monogamy, nor total non-monogamy, they wanted something in-between! I will leave that to my readers to work that one out.

For the sake of this article, I will write about the couples who present through my door wanting help to restore their relationship after one member has cheated.

What is cheating? I have found females often tend to view cheating different to their male counterparts. Women have a hierarchical list:

1. Catching their partner having a coffee with someone else when not informed
2. Catching their partner watching porn, or Only Fans
3. Finding their partner online chatting with a stranger or an ex
4. Having a massage with a happy ending (once or frequently)
5. Seeing prostitutes
6. One-night stands or alcohol-fuelled
7. One night in Las Vegas
8. The ultimate cheating is finding their partner in a full-on emotional and sexual affair. The betrayal of the lying causes more grief than finding out their partner has had sex with someone else.

Males can deal with just about anything but the ultimate betrayal to them is penetration.

The good news is: there is life after cheating.

I take a lot of pride in the fact that I have saved hundreds of relationships due to cheating and convinced my couples they can have a better relationship after the fact than before it. I teach my clients how to have a different relationship than the one they have had for years, where they embark on understanding themselves and each other from a different perspective. They learn how to validate each other, be able to be authentic and be open and honest in communicating their needs and wants, bring fun into their lives and finally accepting each other for their differences.

There is a process before commencing the above.

When couples present for therapy, sometimes they go straight to the point and state that one has betrayed the other, and sometimes a couple may present whereby one will state they want to split because they are not happy, and the other will say they were not aware but want to do something about it. I will ask if there is a third person in this story. If the reluctant one denies, I can usually tell by their body language that there is someone else and inevitably the truth emerges.

Many times I have been able to turn couples around to save their relationship by pointing out the traumatic fall-out the break-up has on their children, family, finances and friends. While 60% of first relationships fail, 75% of second relationships fail more often than not due to step-children and the dynamics they bring into the relationship.

This article is mainly to show readers how a betrayal can turn an unhappy situation into a more positive one.

The process has to begin with an understanding that the betrayed person goes through a grief process, just the same as one experiences when they lose a loved one. Grief is grief. The betrayed goes through the grief over the loss of trust in the relationship. Sometimes depending on the situation, a grieved person will experience post-traumatic stress as it may be among the most traumatic events in their lives.

I explain that trust can come back, but it can take up to two years to regain trust again. The betrayer has to be squeaky clean, and totally transparent about everything. The process begins with:

1. Total transparency. Women more than men become totally obsessive about the details of the betrayal. They need to know every gory detail so that they can start building a framework of trust again. I liken it to a jigsaw puzzle; they cannot rest until they have every piece in the puzzle intact. If the betrayer avoids reporting something and the betrayed finds out later, their level of trust goes back to square one.
2. Media: all media has to be open and available to the betrayed.
3. Phones need to be in sight and the betrayed needs to know all passwords to all media
4. Most importantly, the betrayer needs to own their bad behaviour and show sincere remorse. Also, they need to genuinely validate the heartache they have inflicted on their partners. it is of no use in saying, “Yes, I have done it, I admit it and I’m sorry, so let’s get on with it and forget it”! No, that doesn’t cut it. The betrayer must understand the grief process takes more than 5 minutes. In fact, it is normal for the grieved person to want to see their partner suffer a little bit like they are feeling.

When a betrayer baulks at having to disclose all passwords to their phones and media, I explain it is only a temporary situation, no person wants to become a police warden. But transparency is the start of this new relationship. The betrayed wants to believe that the cheating is all over and once they can feel trusting again, the hyper vigilance will stop.

1. If the betrayer has had an affair with someone at work, it is absolutely essential that they leave, or the other person has to leave. It is impossible to end an affair and still work with the 3^rd person in the story.

I also highly recommend that the betrayer always keeps their partner aware of where they are and what time they will be home so as not to cause more anxiety. Again, I confirm that this behaviour can cease once trust comes back into the relationship.

Once I get through the ground rules, I then go down the road of teaching my clients about the way they communicate with each other. I teach them about the importance of recognition, praise, appreciation and gratitude which is something couples should be doing forever with each other. Most couples admit they have stopped doing this and many report their relationships turn into a tit-for-tat one. They learn the importance of listening to each other and validating each other. For example, when the betrayed tells their partner they are angry with them, they should not justify but accept what their partner is feeling and ask what they can do to help them deal with that.  I then suggest date nights, and fun things both can do together. That strangely seems to stop after children and busy lives take over. Finally, I teach my clients how to resolve conflict in a healthy, productive way.

When my clients take all the above on board, they can then move forward in a new committed relationship that hopefully helps them both heal, so they can experience a happy and fulfilling relationship.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ruth Simons C.S.W. B.S.Sci.Psych (Hons). FACCP FAAPi

Psychologist & Psychotherapist
Medicare Provider No: QLD 2776621B

Ruth is a Registered Psychologist, Clinical Psychotherapist and Sexologist. Ruth had over a
decade of experience in a Private Psychiatric hospital in Sydney and since 1988 she has been
working in her own Private Practice, now at Benowa.

Ruth has conducted corporate workshops in Australia and abroad and, maintains a high
media profile.

Ruth was the author of the hugely successful book, “Sex, Lies and Relationships” (released in
2006). Ruth was a frequent guest on both national television and radio including the Seven
Network’s Today Tonight and The Morning Show with Larry and Kylie.
For more than 17 years, Ruth wrote a very popular weekly column – also called Sex, Lies and
Relationships – for News Limited’s Gold Coast Bulletin and she appeared each Thursday at 6
pm on Hot Tomato 102.9’s Mal and Luke Show.
Ruth now has a Podcast on Spotify with her eldest granddaughter (33) called “Sex with my
Grandma”.

She has a busy schedule of appearances as a highly entertaining keynote speaker at major
events and conducts popular workshops.
Ruth believes one of her major attributes is teaching people why they behave the way they do
and her private practice is widely acknowledged by the medical fraternity. Her deep
understanding of human behaviour has allowed her to develop a highly sought-after
programme of relationship and sexual therapy in addition to treating people with anxiety and
depression.

Ruth has been a Registered Psychologist, Clinical Psychotherapist and Sexologist for over 35
years. She continues to operate a busy professional practice on the Gold Coast and up until
Covid she ran a Private Practice in Sydney’s Bondi Junction.
Ruth was appointed as a member of the Psychologists Panel of Assessors for the Queensland
Government for a ten-year term. She is the past President of the Australian College of Clinical
Psychologists, Gold Coast and was the founder and now Life Member of the Australian
Association of Psychologists.

She has lectured for many years to the nursing faculty at the Gold Coast Hospital and has been
a lecturer at Bond University, Griffith University and Queensland TAFE.

The Professional Centre, Suite 4, 189 Ashmore Rd, Benowa, QLD 4217
Ph: 61 417 972222 email: [email protected]